Where do I begin? How do I even talk about this subject? I know that is the reason why I must. It is one of those taboo subjects that is whispered about in corners with shocked and disappointed looks. Until someone you know and love decides to end their own life and it leaves you devastated, heartbroken and lost and suddenly the word suicide is tattooed in your brain and it becomes a part of YOUR life.
I could think of nothing else. It was the nightmare I couldn't awake from. How could someone I loved and cared about feel like they didn't want to live anymore and actually take the actions to end their own life? Did I fail? How did I not see it? What could I have done differently to prevent it? How could they be so selfish and not realize what the aftermath would be? Was it really selfishness or were they just in a place so dark that they couldn't climb out by themselves? How do I mourn and be angry at someone in the same minute? How could anyone get into a place in their head that not living is an answer? How is life ever the same? These thoughts plague me and still catch me off guard and leave me in pieces some days.
As I later read the suicide note, I was surprised about how much responsibility my loved one was taking in what he was about to do. I have been puzzled about how a person can get to that place. I guess those are the questions… aren't they? How? Why? I have started to realize there isn't really just one answer. There are many. Whether it be clinical depression, situational depression, anxiety, a broken heart, fear, pain or confusion - it is all hard. Life can be hard, but there is ALWAYS help. I wish my loved one would have realized that. I remember what I was doing the night he was alone writing his letter and ending his life. The thought takes my breathe away. I wish so bad he would have picked up the phone and called me! I would have done anything I could to help him! I wish I could have been there that day to tell him…
“…cont;nue living, choose to keep go;ng...”
Just one more day... and then when that day is done to go one more day...to not give up! I wish I could have stayed there by his side and helped him while he waded through those tough emotions and offered him hope.
Awareness needs to be brought to this subject. It needs to be talked about OUT LOUD! Even now as I write this, I am being careful about how much I disclose so I can protect his family. If this wasn't such a taboo subject, then maybe more deaths could be prevented. More people need to realize there is help, there are resources, and it is okay to ask for that help. There is always people that care, more than you can even realize.
I have designed a piece of jewelry in honor of my loved one and his family. You will see it later this month. A portion of every sale will be donated to ‘Project Semicolon’. The semicolon helps a sentence not to end but to keep it going. It is a symbol to help remind people to remember that their story isn’t over. In this experience of losing him, I have realized the subject of suicide needs more light, more awareness. I hope this piece I have designed will help do that.
I have thought of my loved one throughout the design process. I hope he is pleased with what I have designed for him. I pray that maybe it can give someone hope and help them choose to keep go;ng, because their story needs to cont;nue. Every life counts!
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
~ Dedicated to those we have lost and those who have been left behind. ~